MEN

Element: MAN

Symbol: MA

Discoverer: EVE

Atomic mass: Accepted as 70 kg but known to vary from 30 to 596kg

Occurrence:  Copious quantities in all urban areas

Physical properties:

1. Surface normally covered with a layer of oil

2. Boils without alcohols, freezes with footballs matches on air

3. Solidifies if given special treatment

4. Salty if incorrectly tasted

5. Found very rarely in virgin metal state, often common ore

6. Disintegrate to pressure applied at wrong points

Chemical properties:

 1. Has great affinity to silver and gold

2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive electronic gadgets

3. As it ages it explodes spontaneously without prior warning and for no apparent reason

4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increases by saturation in alcohol

5. Most powerful money producing agent known to woman

Common uses: 

1. Highly ornamental

2. Can be a great aid in relaxation

3. Very effective cleaning agent

Tests:

1. Pure specimen turns angry red when its properties are ridiculed

2. Turns fake when placed beside a better specimen

3. Time taken differs influenced by age factor

Hazards:

1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.

2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different positions as long as specimens are equally teased and tasted